Anxiety & Hope

I’m generally not a worrier, but there is one area of my life that I have constant anxiety over. It’s whether or not I will be able to hold down a traditional part-time job in my field of choice: interior design. My health is so unpredictable. My condition changes from second to second. How will I ever be able to have a job and not have a nervous break-down every single day? I have day dreams of this very thing happening. The reason why I have so much anxiety and fear about the future is because I have many chronic health conditions, one of which being Chronic Pain Syndrome. I really try not to worry about the future, but there is that thought in the back of my head that is concerned. I’m concerned. I’m scared. I’ve lived in excruciating pain for 8 years now. I feel tortured and like I’ll never get a chance to fully heal from this pain that I have experienced. For about 7 years, my pain was severely under treated. I still think my pain is really under treated. I’m always in pain. Every waking second, I feel the pain. It feels like multiple cars have run over me and like someone has stabbed me in my shoulders and neck. Before you start suggesting treatment options, let me tell you this: please take care if you are going to suggest a treatment option. Remember that you do not have my full medical history and I’m going to guess that you don’t have the letters M.D. behind them. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard “well, have you tried acupuncture, or this vitamin, or this yoga teacher”…the list goes on and on.

I live in a constant state of battle with my body. I’ve accepted my conditions, but refuse to accept that I have to live such a poor quality of life. My hopes and dreams for the future is to find a treatment that works and eliminates the pain completely. I want my life back. I want to be able to dream big and accomplish those dreams.

Somehow, I know that I will be healed from my pain. I focus on picturing my life in a positive light: I’m living with my boyfriend (by this time, husband), I’m happy, I’m filled with so much joy that it beams from my face. I have no more pain and barely have to go to doctor’s visits. I land and stay in a part-time job at an interior design firm or related career. This company seeks me out to work for them. I picture then being able to start my own business and be wildly successful. I design my own line of stationary, bedding, and interiors goods. I live a busy, yet low-stress lifestyle. I’m able to workout 4 times a week if I so choose. I’m also able to stay in bed for no particular reason other than I feel like it and not because I have to rest. I travel to all the countries I want: Greece, Turkey, Italy, and France to name a few. I take time for ‘me’ and go on plenty of vacations. I take a fixer upper in a great neighborhood, we buy it, and I redesign the whole home. We have a rad house. I love life and live it to the fullest. I eat fancy chocolate (I’ve got that part covered now) and drink fancy coffee in my well-design home. I’m the happiest girl on the planet. I’m on cloud 9. Since I have no pain, I feel unstoppable and like I can achieve anything.

These are my hopes for the future. I’m writing them down because, every time I write down a goal or aspiration in life, it has come true. I’m waiting for these hopes to come true soon.

Take a moment and think of your dreams. Then, write them down and save them to look back at them later.


Chronically Whitney


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